[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[upbeat rock music]
*
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
We are back!
We are back.
And look. Listen. Listen. Listen.
Let me be honest right from the start.
We had prepared to start this show
with a fun recap of everything that we've missed
in the past three months,
from the Iowa caucus and the New Hampshire primary
to this fucking asshole
to Kanye denying that he enjoys the presence
of fingers in his butt.
It's--it's been a busy three months we've missed.
But then last night, that all pretty much
went out the window when this happened.
[dramatic music]
announcer: This is CNN breaking news.
*
- All right, I have some very sad news, some breaking news,
just in to us here at CNN.
United States Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has died.
- Wow.
Well, first, that is a rare case
of CNN's dramatic breaking news banner actually being justified.
Because normally it's reserved for informing us
that a man named Wolf is going into a tunnel,
or that a major news event occurred over a century ago.
And look. Let's be honest.
There are a lot of strong feelings
surrounding Antonin Scalia,
but whatever you think of him, his death
is the end of an era on the Supreme Court.
He was a hugely significant justice,
and for the purposes of our Supreme Court,
he was an absolutely adorable bulldog.
So obviously, this is a very sad day
for his family and his friends, and it's also a tough day
for us here at the show, partly because
I now have to murder that dog.
Hey, you--you knew the deal, Pickles.
You signed the contract!
The fact is...
the fact is, there is now a huge vacancy
on the Supreme Court that needs to be filled
or, if you list--listen to the Republicans
in the past 24 hours, not.
announcer: In an unprecedented move,
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell
immediately released a statement saying:
- We're not gonna give up the U.S. Supreme Court
for a generation by allowing Barack Obama
to make one more liberal appointee.
- I think it's up to Mitch McConnell
and everybody else to stop it.
It's called delay, delay, delay.
- Well, that does not bode well,
because Mitch McConnell is actually pretty good
at delaying things for people,
whether it's legislation, court appointments, or orgasms.
Believe me, if you ever need to delay, delay, delay,
just picture that face, and I guarantee you,
nothing will happen, possibly for the rest of your life.
Now, interestingly, a strange unwritten rule
of the Senate is being cited to justify this behavior.
- There is a rule in the Senate.
It's an informal rule called the "Thurmond Rule."
The rule that Strom Thurmond put forward was,
no president in the last six months of their presidency
should be able to appoint a judge
that has a lifetime appointment.
- Yes, the Strom Thurmond rule.
Now, I'm not surprised that there is one.
It's just, I thought it would always be
about the amount of hush money required to keep
your secret family a secret,
or how racist an old person is allowed to be
before their age is no longer an excuse.
But--but if Mitch McConnell does want to invoke this rule,
he will need to be careful,
because during the George W. Bush years
when Democrats were trying to pull this Thurmond Rule bullshit
to prevent lower court appointments,
he was pretty categorical about it.
- Our Democratic colleagues continually talk about
the so-called Thurmond Rule, under which the Senate
supposedly stops confirming judges
in a presidential election year.
This seeming obsession with this rule
that doesn't exist is just an excuse
for our colleagues to run out the clock
on qualified nominees who are waiting
to fill badly needed vacancies.
- Yes, it seems the Thurmond Rule is a bit like God.
When things are going your way, you don't bring it up a lot,
but as soon as you're in trouble,
it is all that you talk about.
And it's also worth noting that the Thurmond Rule
generally applies to the last six months
of a president's term.
So even if it does apply,
it wouldn't come into effect until July 20th.
Although, what more fitting tribute to the life
and work of Antonin Scalia
than the Senate really trying to stretch
the definition of "late term."
And--and also, also, it is--it's weird.
It's weird to see a debate over an unwritten rule
when you consider what Antonin Scalia stood for.
- You talk about someone who defended consistently
the original meaning of the Constitution,
who understood that the Constitution was not there
to be interpreted based on the fads of the moment,
but that they were there-- it was there to be
interpreted according to its original meaning.
- He's right.
Scalia loved the letter of the law.
So let's look at the letter that applies here, shall we?
Article two, section two of the Constitution
says the president shall nominate,
and by and with the advice and consent of the Senate,
shall appoint judges of the Supreme Court.
That's the president, this president.
There is nothing in the Constitution
about you getting to delay him for a year
because of some bullshit tradition.
So--so to Senate Republicans, I say this:
if you really loved Antonin Scalia,
you wouldn't honor his memory
by desecrating the thing he loved the most.
Think of Scalia like a Brita filter
or a child's hamster.
Why don't you honor his entire reason for being
by swiftly and efficiently replacing him?
Now, I-I am sure that we'll be covering a lot
of this Supreme Court fight in the future,
but for now, let's turn to another
major American institution: Chipotle,
America's preferred over-the-counter laxative.
It has been a rough few months
for the "Sure, let's go ahead and call it Mexican"
fast food chain.
Since last July, they've experienced six
food safety failures involving norovirus, salmonella,
and E. coli.
And as of December, they face a federal criminal
investigation as well, so on Monday,
they took drastic action.
- Chipotle temporarily closed all 2,000 of its stores
for four hours today to hold a scheduled
companywide employee meeting on the topic of food safety.
- Closed stores?
Well, that is bad news for Chipotle,
but on the bright side, it's the best day Subway has had
since Jared went to prison.
But--but--but I will--I will say,
it may take more than a few hours
to fix some of the systemic problems
Chipotle seems to have with its restaurants,
especially when you consider reports like this one
from a news station in Florida.
woman: In January, inspectors walked into Chipotle
on Cortez Road West in Bradenton
and saw a live wild bird flying around the restaurant
with open food at the front line
exposed to possible contamination.
According to the inspection report, the manager says
he was aware of that wild bird, and it's a regular nuisance.
- "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that bird.
"He bought a soda like a year ago,
"and he just keeps filling it up.
"That bird's a dick. You're a dick, Keith.
You're a dick."
[cheers and applause]
But--but I'm sure, I'm absolutely sure
the manager of that bird-infested Chipotle
made sure that it could never ever happen again.
woman: Animal control was called to remove the bird,
but when inspectors returned the next day,
live bird, still there.
- What?
"Live bird, still there" is the second lowest grade
you can actually get from a health inspection.
The lowest one, of course, being a Fieri.
But--but to go by customers' reactions
to Chipotle store closings on Monday,
they may not have too much to worry about.
- I'm disappointed.
I mean, I understand they need to take, like,
safety precautions, but I love Chipotle.
- Will it deter you from eating at Chipotle?
- Uh, no, it won't. No.
- Love those burrito bowls so much?
- Yeah, exactly.
- It's just so good.
It is just so tasty.
It's my dirty little secret.
I love Chipotle.
- So--so hold on.
They know it's bad, and they want it even more.
Chipotle is now officially
America's emotionally abusive boyfriend.
It seems Chipotle have us in the palm of their hands,
and judging from their latest commercial,
they know it.
- Listen, we know that here at Chipotle,
we've had a bad few months.
Not only did we make people sick with E. coli,
norovirus, and salmonella,
we're also under criminal investigation
by the federal government. [chuckles]
But don't worry.
We took a full half day off on Monday to regroup,
and now, we're ready to welcome you back with open arms.
- Welcome to Chipotle. Thank you for your bravery.
- Sure, Chipotle's hit rock bottom,
but all that means is that we're ready to bounce back.
I mean, let's face it.
If you're even contemplating eating here
after an E. coli scare,
what would it take to stop you?
Learning the one time we accidentally put penguin meat
in our barbacoa; or that three months ago,
we couldn't find the lettuce, so we just used
that Easter basket grass for, like, five full days;
or that we thaw our meat by having a large man
named Mitchell breathe on it.
[laughter]
- [exhales]
- Or that there are a number of wild birds
that just come in and eat for free every day.
Birds who, in our defense, are only there
to deal with our massive vole problem.
Or that our head chef is an actual 6-foot cockroach.
I'm still pretty sure you'd come back.
And you know why?
Because if Chipotle could persuade America
that 1,000-calorie burritos are healthy,
and we actually did that,
well, then we can do anything we damn well please.
Chipotle.
What are you gonna do, go to Taco Bell?
[laughter]
I don't think so.
[cheers and applause]
- Moving on.
We are--we are finally in an election year,
so for our main story tonight,
let's look at voting, the cornerstone
of American democracy, the unshakable principle
that everyone should have an equal vote, even idiots,
even this guy.
- Go.
[groans and laughter]
- Now, I know it's painful, but his vote
should count as much as yours.
It should count as much as the president's.
That's what America is all about.
Now, in recent years, some states have made voting easier.
For instance, three states now hold their elections
almost entirely by mail, and 30 states plus D.C.
now let you register to vote online.
Sadly, others have gone in the opposite direction because,
depending on who you are and where you live,
you may face new obstacles to voting this November
thanks to, among other things, the Supreme Court's decision
to weaken the Voting Rights Act.
For instance, since 2011, seven states have curtailed
early voting, and 13 have added requirements that voters
show some kind of ID at the polls.
And the lawmakers pushing those voter ID laws claimed
they are just simple, commonsense measures.
- It is common sense that you would use picture ID
to protect the integrity of the voting process.
- It's an ID.
Everyone has an ID.
The people that are homeless, the people that go to vote,
they get sick, they go to the hospital,
they buy...they buy stuff, they need IDs.
- I'm proud that North Carolina has joined
the 34 other states to enact a commonsense voter ID law
that--that isn't going to impact a significant amount
of North Carolinians.
- Oh, it's not going to impact a "significant number"
of North Carolinians?
Well, that's fine.
Although by that standard, you could also say,
"We're going to incinerate everyone named Warren."
That's--that's not a "significant number" of people,
but you are gonna have a pretty justifiably upset
Warren Beatty on your hands.
That law is "significant" to him.
Because not everyone actually does have ID.
In Texas alone, at least half a million registered voters
do not have the form of ID necessary to vote.
North Carolina and Wisconsin have roughly 300,000 voters
apiece with neither a driver's license nor a state ID.
And in Virginia, an estimated 200,000 voters may not have one.
And if you think about it, you probably know
at least one person who doesn't have an ID,
whether it's your grandma who had her license taken away,
your recluse uncle who rollerblades everywhere,
or your cousin who lost his license after his third DUI.
Come on, Jace, you can't fool a breathalyzer by whispering
the word "sober" into it.
And--and even if you try to obtain an ID
just in order to vote, it can be difficult.
Listen to what a Pennsylvania woman went through
when her state's ID law was in effect.
announcer: 68-year-old Doris Clarke was turned down
three times applying for her Pennsylvania voter ID card.
And every time, she says, the state wanted another document:
original birth certificate, original social security card,
then she needed her husband's death certificate
when a clerk demanded proof of her married name.
- You feel like, why am I going through all these things?
I'm not Bin Laden's wife.
- Wait.
Bin Laden's wife?
That is a strange way to frame it.
Why not say Osama Bin Laden was Amal al-Sadah's husband,
or Siham Sabar's husband,
or Khairiah Sabar's husband.
#OsamaBinLaden, #Feminism.
[laughs] And yet--and yet,
none of these difficulties seemed to trouble
legislators like Wisconsin's Joel Kleefisch,
who argued for a strict ID law
by pointing out his state's photo ID requirement
to buy Sudafed.
- I find it frustrating
that so many of the same people who today
are telling us that a photo ID is just too gosh darned much
to maintain the integrity of the ballot,
and those same people two sessions ago
made sure--those same people, many of the same people
in this room, made sure two sessions ago
that you had to have a photo ID to buy stuffy nose medicine.
- Okay. Okay.
Couple of things there.
First, that bill was designed to help curtail
Wisconsin's meth problem, and second, voting is a right.
If you take it away, you ruin democracy.
If you take away someone's Sudafed,
the only thing you'll ruin is their sleeve.
And in some parts of the country,
the offices that issue IDs are hardly ever open.
In 2012, a study found that in Wisconsin, Alabama,
and Mississippi, fewer than half of all ID-issuing offices
in the state are open five days a week.
And in Sauk City, Wisconsin, just a few districts over
from where that business-casual Kevin Smith lives,
the ID office is only open on the fifth Wednesday
of every month, and only four months
in 2016 even have five Wednesdays.
Oh, but don't worry, there's a rhyme.
March, June, August, November have five Wednesdays,
but remember, if you come on days not those,
fuck yourself, they're fucking closed.
[laughter, cheers, and applause]
Every first grader in Wisconsin gets taught that one.
We should also mention that studies have shown
these restrictions tend to disproportionately impact
African-American and Latino voters.
In Texas, for instance, experts found
that African-American voters were nearly twice
as likely to lack voter ID, and Latinos were
nearly two and a half times as likely.
It's just one of those things that white people
seem to be more likely to have,
like a sunburn or an Oscar nomination.
So--so why are we doing this?
If you listen to the legislators who helped pass these laws,
they'll say that they are necessary to prevent fraud.
Here is a cosponsor of Texas's voter ID law, Debbie Riddle.
- The very freedom of our nation is based
on the integrity of our ballot box.
And if things are so lax
that--that fraudulent voting can--can occur,
that means your vote can be stolen.
And simply showing an identification
is not too much to ask.
- Are you sure about that, though?
Don't eat fish on the subway is not too much to ask.
Never start a Facebook status with "That moment when..."
is not too much to ask.
Requiring ID can actually be asking a lot.
And as for fraudulent elections, let's look at that for a moment.
Because while American history is littered
with vote buying, vote tampering,
and ballot box stuffing,
voter ID doesn't prevent those crimes.
The only crime it prevents is voter impersonation--
one person showing up to the polls
pretending to be someone they're not--
which is a pretty stupid crime,
because you have to stand in line
at a polling place and risk five years in prison
and a $10,000 fine all to cast one probably not
consequential extra vote.
In terms of pointless crimes, it's right up there
with forging a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon.
It's a lot of trouble with low reward.
And yet, people insist that this happens a lot.
- Without photo ID, what do you fear could happen?
- Well, without photo ID, I mean, let's be clear.
I don't want dead people voting in the state
of South Carolina.
I've said that from the very beginning.
man: And authorities say there is evidence
that dead people voting is a real problem,
according to a statewide investigation
by South Carolina's Department of Motor Vehicles.
In January, it found that 953 ballots were cast by voters
who were deceased.
- Now, that's true.
The DMV did say that.
And the study caused such a stir
that one lawmaker stated:
And look. He's right.
No one wants that except possibly for upstart candidate,
Phillip Brains.
But--but when the state's law enforcement division
investigated the DMV's claims, it found no real basis for them.
In fact, of the prior election's 207 suspicious ballots,
92 of them were cases where someone
had the same name as a deceased voter,
usually a father and son.
56 of them were cases where the social security number
of a living voter was mistakenly matched
with a dead person.
32 were simply scanner errors.
Uh, one person requested an absentee ballot,
completed it, and then died while it was in the mail.
And most of the others were an array
of random clerical errors.
Altogether, the investigation found five ballots
that could not be accounted for.
This is an election where more than 1.3 million
votes were cast.
These voter ID laws are the biggest overreaction
to a manageable problem since Sleeping Beauty's father
ordered all the spinning wheels in the land to be burned.
This is an agrarian economy.
We need those wheels.
Why don't you just watch your daughter
for literally one day in her fucking life?
One day!
[cheers and applause]
The--the truth here is,
voter impersonation fraud is incredibly rare.
One researcher who tracked it closely
found that from 2000 to 2014, there were 31 possible incidents
in the entire country out of over a billion ballots cast.
Voter fraud is a problem the way
that deadly knife play from crabs is a problem.
I'm not saying it doesn't exist.
There are cases where it has happened.
But let's not overreact to one stabby crab.
But--but these laws do actually tend to make a little more sense
whenever you see someone slip up and suggest
other reasons for why they may support them.
- Voter ID, which is gonna allow Governor Romney
to win the state of Pennsylvania, done.
- Do you think all the attention drawn to voter ID
affected last year's elections?
- Uh, yeah, I think a little bit.
I think we probably had a better election.
Think about this.
We cut Obama by 5%, uh, which was big.
You know, a lot of people lost sight of that.
He--he won. He beat McCain by 10%.
He only beat, uh, Romney by 5%.
I think that probably photo ID had a--helped a bit in that.
- Oh, no.
You're saying the thing that everyone knows,
but you're not supposed to say out loud.
That's like writing, "I'm desperate to bone,"
on an online dating profile,
or a band calling their reunion tour
"We Ran Out of Money."
But--but perhaps the most galling thing here
is that there are actual cases of voter impersonation
caught on camera,
and you will never believe where they happen.
woman: This is state representative Debbie Riddle.
She authored the bill that would require voters
to show a photo ID.
man: Clerk, ring the bell. It's a record vote.
- It's all about integrity. - It's a record vote.
woman: But the integrity of one person, one vote
doesn't apply at the legislature.
We found many lawmakers vote more than once.
[bell dings]
Take a look.
Riddle votes, turns around,
votes again for state rep Kuempel.
Rewind and watch the men on the screen.
Elkins goes to vote for Merritt,
but Hancock is faster.
Elkins heads back to his desk,
but before he can vote,
Joe Crabb turns around and beats him to it.
- Holy shit!
They are literally competing to press
other people's voting buttons.
And remember, this is Texas,
which has the strictest ID laws in the country.
And apparently this process is called ghost voting,
and it happens in state legislatures
all over the country.
And sometimes, they involve literal ghost votes.
One lawmaker in Texas died, and was recorded
voting three times later that day.
Which is clearly ridiculous.
A real ghost wouldn't waste its time voting on bills.
It would be out terrorizing a young family
in their new house or trying desperately
to bang Demi Moore on a pottery wheel one last time.
And--and Debbie Riddle is not the only
voter ID proponent who has done this.
Remember Wisconsin's Joel Kleefisch?
I mean, there is--there is no way that he got caught
doing it, right?
woman: A cell phone video posted online
shows Kleefisch placing a vote for an absent assembly member.
Kleefisch says the online video is an attempt
at character assassination.
- Uh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not character assassination.
It's unedited footage of something you obviously did.
If anything, that is character autoerotic asphyxiation.
And--and law--lawmakers in Tennessee
are so shameless about this,
they've got the whole thing down to a fine art.
woman: It's such a common practice in the house, in fact,
that many lawmakers have sticks they use
to reach each other's voting buttons.
- Look.
If you are going to pervert democracy,
could you at least do it with a less creepy stick?
That looks like what an evil leprechaun would use
to beat a child.
And yet whenever legislators like Debbie Riddle
are asked about this actual voter impersonation,
they say they've done nothing wrong
and are only acting out of necessity.
- We have a lot of votes.
We have a lot of amendments.
And there's times when we don't break for lunch,
and we don't break for dinner.
We don't have bathroom breaks.
- Okay, well, quick suggestion, have you considered
getting some extra-long voting sticks?
They tend to help.
You know what?
At this point, I would like to propose something.
Any politician who has ever supported
an unnecessary voter ID law should be forced
to obtain a new ID every single time
they want to pass a bill,
just to make sure they are who they say they are.
And yes, they might say, "Well, John, that's ridiculous.
"There's no real reason to make us do that.
"And it's so cumbersome, it could prevent us
from engaging in the democratic process."
To which I would say, "Welcome to the fucking club."
And now, this.
- [clears throat] - How are ya?
- Great. - Uh, nice to see you.
We've got some breaking news out of Egypt.
Parts of that country are blowing up today.
- Rain, rain, go away.
I think we're all shouting that this morning.
I know it sounds cliché,
but the streets are virtually rivers.
- Coming up,
five dead in Las Vegas.
woman: Potholes in Minneapolis are sending people
to the hospital.
- It's great to see you all.
- Hey, thanks for having us. - Thank you.
- [laughs] Coming up,
it's happened once again,
a high school student shot dead.
- All right, Elaine, thank you.
No letup in the tug-of-war-- that's good, Nora.
No letup in the tug-of-war over a little boy
with brain cancer.
- North Carolina police arrested a suspect
in the death of a pregnant Fort Bragg soldier.
- That's the first time a federal appeals court
has struck down a state's ban on same-sex marriage?
Is that right?
- [chuckles] You said it, Kristen.
- And finally tonight, New Zealand,
Australia's Chia Pet.
We've talked a lot about New Zealand on this show
in the last couple of years--
from their ridiculous prime minister, John Key,
to the public competition to design a new flag
featuring these actual entries.
We've talked about them so much,
we were gonna have a moratorium on discussing New Zealand
on this show until this happened.
- Protests at Waitangi against the Trans-Pacific Partnership
reached climax today when economic development minister
Steven Joyce was hit in the face with a sex toy.
man: Without the prime minister,
there was meant to be no drama.
But then, this.
Yes, that is what you think it is--
Steven Joyce hit with a sex toy.
[laughter and applause]
- Step aside, "Citizen Kane."
There is a new greatest film in town.
And listen, while the slow motion footage
is undeniably funny, it's actually not as funny
as the natural sound of it bouncing off his nose.
Take a listen.
- We always take something away from every meeting we have.
Oh.
[laughter]
- I think--
I think my--my favorite part of that
is his unruffled surprise at being hit
in the face with a dildo,
as if it either happens to him all the time,
or at the very least, he anticipated it would
inevitably happen someday.
And to New Zealand's credit, the woman who threw that toy
was not charged with anything.
This is her face as she was led away.
She does not look sorry.
And if you threw something at a politician in this country,
you'd be dead before the dildo hit the ground.
Also, New Zealand's media has taken to calling
Steven Joyce "Dildo Baggins,"
a play on words... [smooches]
Which, frankly,
should be awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature.
And yet, we were still reluctant to cover this story
until incredibly, our hand was forced.
- Even Mr. Joyce saw the funny side,
taking to Twitter and jokingly encouraging
someone to send the footage to American comedian
John Oliver so, "We can get it over with."
- It's true. This is his tweet.
And you know what? You know what, Steven Joyce?
You're right. You're right.
[cheers and applause]
This--this was inevitable, Steven Joyce,
as inevitable as a large, floppy rubber cock
smacking you in the face.
So let's, in your words, "get this over with."
Although, I think we both know this will never be over for you.
Your entire life will now be viewed
through a dildonic prism.
For instance, this seemingly innocuous tweet
you sent last month of vegetables from your garden.
You want to know what people picture when they see that now?
Dildos, Joyce.
Freshly harvested dildos.
Also, let's all agree New Zealand's flag debate
should now be over.
Because if you want an image that sums up
everything great about New Zealand,
this is the flag right here.
What Olympic team would not be proud
to march beneath that?
And--and we didn't just mock that up, New Zealand.
We got one made and sent it to your country
and gave it to one of your greatest sons, Peter Jackson.
And if you don't believe me, watch this.
- Hey, John.
This is Peter Jackson down here in New Zealand.
What do you think of the new dildo flag?
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
What do you think, John? The people have spoken.
Once again, New Zealand punches above its weight.
- Indeed you have, New Zealand.
But guess what? We're not even done yet.
'Cause if you're gonna try and bait me, Joyce,
into a response, prepare for the nuclear option.
I present to you a choir singing about
your dildo incident to the tune of the "Hallelujah Chorus."
all: * It's a dildo
* Giant dildo
* There's a dildo, yes, a dildo *
* A flying dildo
* It's a dildo
- Yes, is this what you wanted, Steven Joyce?
Is this what you wanted?
Careful what you wish for,
'cause we have flying dildos for you.
And it doesn't get higher production than that.
choir: * It's a dildo - That's our show.
Thank you so much for joining us.
We'll see you next week.
Good night!
[cheers and applause]
all: * It's a dildo, it's a dildo *
* Into his head
* That dildo, that dildo *
*
[bright tone]